Für die Rolle des Mr.Q wird noch ein Schauspieler gesucht. Wohnort Frankfurt a.M. wäre vorteilhaft. Kontakt bitte an EZB Theaterdonner Uwe Kampmann e-mail: email@example.com
TOP secret – only for internal use.
Unter Weglassung der Bond-girls und der Stempler kann das Stück auch als reines Sprechtheater mit den Rollen von Bond, Mr.Q und Mrs.Moneypenny aufgeführt werden.
THE BOND PAPER
Mister Bond with the licence to print money.
Author: Uwe Kampmann / copyright 2011
Bond in Smoking – Money Penny very elegant
Bond: „Hallo my name is not Walter
(zum Publikum )
and your name is not Conny.
My name is Bond, Euro Bond – Commander Euro Bond.
I have the licence to print money.“
Mrs. Money Penny appears on stage
Bond: „Hallo Mrs. Money Penny.“
Money P. ( MP) : „Oh Euro, you look so fine. So fine, so wonderful, so … oh hallo Mr. Q., nice to have you all here.“
Mister Q shows up in time MP speaks. Mister Q looks like an old englishman with Knickerbocker
Mister Q, Bond and MP stay together.
Q: „Mister Bond you speak English, not German ?“
Bond: „Well Mister Q it is a mystery, I am German but I do speak English.“
MP: “ Oh marvelous, so the Russians and the Chinese do not know where you come from.“
Q: „Mrs. Money Penny, I am the one who has to think, I am from the British government.“
Bond: „Mrs. Money Penny, let Mister Q be the Queen. You are the most beautiful princess in the office. Mister Q may I ask you – Who is this time the enemy ?“
Q: “ Yes Mister Bond, I call them horse asses, this dumm fucking Germans who wants to declare war with their cavalerie. They made a change in their topmanagement. The Führer is dead, now they have on top the Führerin. Führerin, how we can name it in English Mister Bond, do you have an idea ?“
MP: “ You can call it Chancelerin, she is looking for a Chance to make Hosenanzug modern. Can you imagine ? I have to wear Hosenanzug in her size. Legs to short, ass to big. Euro, you must help, you are the only one. I am in Hosenanzug, more terrible than Hakenkreuz.“
Bond: „Prince Harry wears Hakenkreuz so Hakenkreuz must be nice. Mister Q, we could give Chancelerin the Hosenstrumpforden, than we could see what weapons she has in her Hosenanzug.“
Q. : „Mister Bond, I will speak to the Prime Minister about that terrific idea. Than it will come from my department, the Queen will be amused, I am sure about that.“
MP: “ I am amused, too. Euro you have such fine ideas. Have you some more ?“
Bond: “ Yes Money Penny, I want buy a Martini at the Penny-market, all I need is your Money.“
MP: “ Mister Bond, I am touched.“
Q: „Bond do not pay with Euro.“
Bond: „No Mister Q, I pay only with printed papers from us.“
Q: “ Bond, I hope you are not a doubleagent. Come with me in my workshop. I show you our English Club Bank ECB (EZB).
Ein Tapeziertisch wird auf die Bühne getragen. Fünf Anzugmänner bringen fünf Stühle mit und setzen sich hinter den Tapeziertisch.
Sie heben die rechte Faust und beginnen im Gleichtakt zu stempeln. Mrs. Money Penny verlässt die Bühne und erscheint in der Szene mit zwei Frauen als Bondgirls.
Q: “ In duty to our order they print Stabilisation Bonds.“
Drei Frauen, lustiger wären dreißig Frauen, treten hintereinander wie Nummerngirls auf, kommen und halten Papiere hoch auf denen steht:
Eurobond – girl 1 – Eurobond – girl 2 …Eurobond – girl 3… u.s.w. kommen und gehen von der Bühne.
Bond: “ Sir, you said our order ? You mean, I ordered the girls ?“
Q: “ No, it was the Prime Minister. He loves french Monsieur Dominique Strauß – Kahn from IWF, because he is a dynamic organizer, the way how he orders girls. Fucking like hell and no money in the pocket, I guess that is all what the french can do. But now the english are coming. “
Bond: “ But I saw also Mrs. Money Penny in the line, Sir, do you think this is nice ?“
Q: “ Bond, you see this from the point of the valley. Me and the Prime Minister see it from the top of the hill. The fuckers are everywhere. “
Bond: “ Sir, I thought I was the only one, who flips everything what comes in front of my shooter.“
Q: „Do not let it hear Money Penny, shooter, sorry that I laugh, but she needs gunners.“
Bond: “ Ohhhh, and you carry a gun with you.“
Q:: „No Bond, I have my men for this, I am only watching through a whole. My order is to watch, not to act. This is up to you, In the name of the Queen and the Windsor babies.“
Bond: “ The Queen has no money, that for the Prime Minister and you are in order that the ECB prints Money and Bonds as pin ups. Is it right Sir ?“
Q: “ Mister Bond, we have to save our British economy, we have to save London. Yesterday the Prime Minister had a conference with our best men from finance and trade district London. They all took part, even Mister Banker was there, Mister Bad Banker himself and that means, we have stay together and fight the horse asses. Mister Bond its your part to go to Frankfurt and Berlin and to bite and kick these horse-asses. You are the hope of the Great Britain Empire. We have lost our colonies but we have not lost the spirit of our glory, the world speaks English.“
Bond: “ Yes Sir, I speak English, you speak English, the Prime Minister speaks English, she, Mrs. Money Penny speaks English, we speak English,
Bond speaks to the audience:
You speak English.“
Silence in the audience – Q. cries into the audience:
Q: „You speak English !!!!!! Do you understand English ????? !!!!!!!!!!“
The audience cries back:
Bond to Q.
Bond: „They speak English.“
Q: “ I have told the Prime Minister they speak English. Everybody speaks English. I said English, not Greec, not French, no Spain, English. The Italians may sing in Italian but they have to speak as everybody, only English.“
Bond: “ Yes Sir, I will go into the state of Vatican, the pope will be the first who speaks English while blessing the city and the world, Ur bi et Or bi.“
Q: „Ur bi et Or bi is out, we call it urban and satellite and place it in the future in the European Song Contest in London In the new Europe we play English Arsenal. My workshop has some more news for you, Mister Bond.
Q: „Protocol Number 4, article 1 from European Court of human rights says:
Prohibition of imprisonment
No one shall be the sole liberty of-
be deprived of half because he was not in
the position is a contractual obligation
to meet processing.
translation in to german:
Verbot der Freiheitsentziehung
Niemandem darf die Freiheit allein des-
halb entzogen werden, weil er nicht in
der Lage ist, eine vertragliche Verpflich-
tung zu erfüllen.“
Bond: “ Oh very cute, so more liabilities you have, so more freedom you have. You do not have to earn money by work, you just must have some bankers friends so you can live with financial liabilities wonderful. The Prime Minister and his friends make the laws and the Banker friends and family can collect the money from the taxpayer.“
MP: “ Ohhhh Euro, it´s so beautiful, it sounds so great.“
Q: „Money Penny,the Prime Minister, the Queen and me, we do not count with penny. Up to date is the luxury Euro-bond a very special one. You see it here in the workshop.“
Bond: “ Yes, very beautiful these luxuries Bond-papers. Protocol Number 4, article 1it includes the licence to print money.“
Q: “ Exactly commander Bond, you go to Brussels (Brüssel), Money Penny goes to Paris, you meet in Strasbourg (Strasburg) than both of you go first to Frankfurt Mainhattan and than you take Berlin. Our American partners will be always next to you.“
Bond: „Our American partners ?“
Q: „Yes, the Alliance Intelligent Service, AIS is on board. Top secret, Mister Bond. Mister Moody, Mister Finch and ….. are the highscormen from Washington. We coordinate from London. When you are in Berlin, you buy every day the New Swiss Newspaper. You will find your orders on page two. The column – Daily in Europe – gives you our instructions. No communication by phone ore e-mail.“
Bond: „What system do you use, Sir ?
Q: “ It is an old fashion system from German Ministry for State Security. We name it 1984.“
Bond: „Ministry from State Security, that sounds like ex communist Germany.“
Q: “ Yes, very effectively and simple. 1984 was used by only one man. He used it in time of the cold war, to sent his impressions from Vatican politics to East Berlin via Switzerland. Doktor Fritz was ingenious, 1984 means, first word in the first sentence. ninth sentence complete, eighth sentence, till the comma. Fourth sentence, behind the first comma. Easy to remember, very short and clear, very fast to understand. We are sure, the technic freaks from Counterintelligence Service have no imagination that this system still works.“
Bond: “ Very exclusive English old fashion, stolen from the Germans. Very British.“
Q: “ Well Commander Bond, Imagine you read the column.
first sentence: New York stock-market is occupied by students and workers since sunday morning.
Ninth sentence: Financial boom reaches bond-market in Berlin.
Eighth sentence. London stays at the beginning of a new turn, said the English Prime Minister during his visit to Paris.
Fourth sentence: The American spokesman from US Ministry of Finance said, It just is the right time to meet Baron Freeman Helly von Halifax.
Commander Bond, I hear ?“
Bond: “ New financial boom reaches bondmarket in Berlin. London stays in the beginning of a new turn. It is just the right time to meet Baron Freeman Helly von Halifax.“
Q: „You understand ?“
Bond: “ I expect to get new printed money in Berlin. London starts with a new offensive. I have to meet Baron Freeman Helly von Halifax.“
Q: „Exactly, Mister Bond.“
Bond: “ Who the hell is Baron Freeman Helly von Halifax ?“
Q: „Our most important man in Germany to take over European finance business in the sense to make it more easy for our business-supporters.“
Bond: “ Has this guy an army ?“
Q: “ Commander Bond, no army please. “
Bond: “ No weapons ?“
Q: “ Weapons, of course for sale to Africa as medicine for security. Mister Bond, Europe is different.
We need Baron Freeman as a confectioner in our banks. Have we got the cake, the rest get the crumbs. Make the German to our servants so that we remain the cooks. Bond, no scruples. No humanity we need, we need a functioning Economy. Let us conquer the ECB and we rule the Empire for Queen and country and Wall street and heaven sake, for you efforts in Germany this time you drive a German car.“
Bond: „Mister Q. I am thrilled with this order.“
Q: “ Bond ask the Chancelerin to resign. Offer her a job as educational in one of our best school.“
Bond: “ Sir, I am looking forward, when she starting, ranting and raving and screaming at the mouth like a mad mare on the way to the slaughter house. You, the Prime Minister and the Queen will be amused.“
€ Sign in front of ECB Frankfurt - Bond paper stage play photo by Uwe Kampmann